Inner work, reframing the past: a personal share

by: Emily Davies

Have you ever said YES to sex by saying nothing at all? 

Today I want to get real with you & this is why...

Whether you’ve just experienced your first full body orgasm, or you’re feeling overwhelmed by painful emotions that are coming up on your healing journey - your story is important and allowing yourself to be seen will help your progress.

From my training in yoga therapy, I know that community support is a KEY ingredient in real growth & healing.  

I also know that in order to call forth the REALNESS that I crave with this community, I need to get really real with you. 

So, today I'm going to share a story with you. This story brings up many of my most personal pain points that are stepping stones on my own, personal Heroine’s Journey.

The Story

I woke up to him touching my body, stroking in-between my legs. On the 18th floor of a Miami high rise, the first thing I saw was the black ceiling fan in the center of a cold, white room. To the right were floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the coast, the room was filled with morning sunlight. Everything was white, the walls, the sheets, the light.  

I said yes, by saying nothing at all.

As he got on top of me, I surrendered my body to him, but inside I was like a deer in headlights… alert and frozen. I could feel the subtle contraction of my legs pulling together as my body instinctively tried to protect me. As he began penetrating me, my mind worked to convince me to be ok with what was going on.

He was having sex with me, but I definitnely wasn’t having sex with him. I responded vocally as I thought I should.

Now, as I reflect on this auto-pilot reaction, it hurts to see my teenage self play this act with such ease… how can we prevent future generations of young women from becoming programmed to try to fit some mold of a sexual woman…? 

After just a few minutes of penetration, he finished with his orgasm and I could finally relax & breathe again. Afterward, I would say the instance was “no big deal,”  and play it off lightly, but my 19 year old body spoke and stored a different story.  You see, our bodies remember everything. Because of that, I felt guilt, shame, and deep regret… Why?

Seeing the Truth

I know now that it’s not because I’m a bad girl who makes bad choices, nor am I the “wild and free” one that I wanted to be when I was left with painful feelings like those - it’s because I wasn’t listening to my intelligent instinct and acting from a place of My Truth.  

I have said no and been met with anger and aggression, I’ve been called a tease, I’ve been called broken, unlovable, a bitch, crazy. I have heard these words, I have believed these words…  my body has felt and stored these words. Over time, I built protective mechanisms to diminish the impact on my growth from little innocent girl to woman, and all the while my feminine nature was under stress working to cope and compensate. 

Coping became such a familiar way of life, that I had no clue that I was missing out on the pleasure and ecstasy that come from living in my Truth.

The Healing Begins

Thankfully, yoga and my spiritual practices have taught me to re-awaken communication with and trust in my intuitive instinct. 

I’ve learned how to work with these painful pieces of my past that plagued my mind, heart, and body around my sexual self and personal identity.

It wasn’t by judging myself as a bad girl or a good girl.

I let go of judgement and embraced the belief that I am worthy of a great life, and I am worthy of Divine Ecstasy, just like each of you are.

I learned to reframe any attachment to being a Victim that needed rescued.

I learned to practice self-forgiveness.

I started allowing the light to enter - meaning that I want to heal, I believe it's possible, and I am willing to feel better right now. 

Here are a few of the limiting beliefs that were lurking in the shadows, too: 

• My needs aren't important, and I should suppress and modify them so I do not “stir the pot”
• My feelings are unsafe and irrational (I don’t want to be perceived as too emotional)
• I don’t need to protect myself, I like to push the edge
• I don’t know what it means to protect myself, I don’t know how to protect myself, I am not worthy of being protected
• If someone comes on strong enough, they earn access to my body

Yikes! My stomach hurts writing these painful beliefs that governed my sex, body, and relationships for so long. 

Masculine and Feminine Energies

These beliefs displayed a rejection of my healthy feminine qualities. And they display a wounded masculine energy that didn’t hold boundaries. 

My spiritual imbalances had very real consequences in the third dimension. 

My healing journey has been to cultivate opposite or neutralizing beliefs and use them as affirmations and governing intentions behind my actions. 

I have come a very long way on my journey.

Now I embrace LOVE as an action word and practice self-love everytime I make a choice in my life. 

I used to spend a lot of my energy focusing on the past.

Now, I don’t choose to linger in painful past stories anymore, as I no longer believe that is necessary for healing.  

Simple acknowledgement is enough, even as the deeper layers reveal themselves - the real healing comes by cultivating forgiveness, gratitude, and in giving yourself permission to be who you FULLY are. 

I let these pain points be stepping stones for finding my healthy sexual expression.  

Now, I am an embodied, intuitively instinctual, wise feminine who holds strong boundaries and protects my body, needs, and energy. 

With this foundation of my healthy sexual expression, I can move into my sexual expansion. 

This story has a happy ending. And whether you can relate or not, yours can too.

It is never too late to reclaim the spiritual nature of your sexual self - from any situation across time and space -  and let the light in. 

Xo,

Emily

PS - Join the Facebook group so I can witness you.